Three Years, Seven Months, Two Days...

Dearest Jude,

It has been a while! Things have been extremely hectic and busy. School is still ongoing for me. I am working at Family Vision Clinic and at the IWK on weekends (sometimes). I have become a vegan - with criticism from your baba and my parents. Baba is busy with work and is keeping you busy when I am home and have school work to do. Things between baba and I have been up and down as well. Relationships are constant work and need to be made a priority.

Alhamdellah for everything.

I finally hada moment to write this because I am now in NJ for cousin Muayyad's wedding. It is a great occasion as many members of tete's family are here for it, so it turned into a pseudo-family reunion. I also needed a mini break so when jiddo offered to buy a ticket for me I agreed almost immediately - after discussing it with baba of course. Baba does a lot for us, despite his pain and level of tiredness. I hope that you appreciate how everyone in your life tries their best and works hard. Tete and Jiddo are a prime example of that, and I hope that their hard work, along with their kind hearts, generosity, and love for God and others, would be an example for you to follow.

I miss you, my love. I wish you were with me, but it would have been too hectic for you to get on two planes each way to stay in NJ for two days. You have quite a weekend planned as well. It was Alayya's birthday yestersay, and Rachel is home with you and baba for the weekend. You also went out for dinner with your grammie, baba, and Rachel last night. AND Alana is coming out to hang out with you guys today.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow inshallah.

I love you, my amazing son. May you always have God in your heart and let Him guide you throughout your life. Never leave your prayers.

Three Years, Three Months, Three Days...

Dearest Jude,

As you may have noticed, I missed a month's entry. I just started yet another new job at the Family Vision Clinic. I am still picking up shifts at the IWK hospital every once in a while. Tete was with us for the summer, and we had a surprise visit from khalo Ghassan, or uncle Gess, for a few days. He left to visit my tete, jiddo and aunt's family in NJ on the 24th of August, Thursday, and tete left for Kuwait on August 25, Friday.

Baba and I had our 4th wedding anniversary on August 4th. We have had some difficult times, but inshallah we will have better times ahead. We are both trying our best and hoping to leave some things behind. Starting fresh!

You are so amazing. It took one weekend a couple of weeks ago where we didn't put any diapers on you, and now you are diaper free. You haven't looked back since. We are all so proud of you sweetheart.

Never forget that God's love for you is the strongest. Our love for you pales in comparison.

Love you my darling,
Mama

Three Years, One Month, Seven Days...

Dearest Jude,

Another late post. Sorry my darling.

I think the only thing I would like to share with you this month is the lyrics to the song "7" by William Prince:

May your love be pure like an eagle  Wisdom be under every stone you turn
Let truth be your key to freedom and bind you
To the path that holds the light

We’re the reason that there’s seven sins and teachings
Each one can wait the other out
Life is two wolves, good and evil, who you feeding?
Tell me are you in or are you out?

Be honest and honour each other
Don’t make a promise that you’ll have to break
Have forgiveness when there’s only hatred
Stand up for good for goodness sake

May your mind be vast like the ocean  Salvage the lesson from each storm you survive
Let honesty lead you ‘cross the sea, forever keep you
On the current that carries the light

In this world that’s growing older faster  Humility will keep your spirit young
When you’re looking far into the future
Don’t forget how far you’ve already come

May your strength be abundant everlasting
Joy bring peace to your life
Surrender your heart to the seven
Keep to the path that holds the light

Let respect be the law by which you’re driven
‘Cause respect it gets earned it ain’t given
To our brothers and sisters born with two spirits
May you find the courage to reconcile

Written by: Written by William Prince & Scott Nolan

I love you my darling!

Three Years!

Happy birthday to my amazing wonderful son!

We had your party a month early so that the whole family can be here for it.

I hope that every year we get to have you with us is better for you than the last. I also hope and pray that the world gets better because of you.

I love you.

Two Years, Eleven Months, Eleven Days...

Dearest Jude,

On April 23rd we had an early 3rd birthday party for you. It was Paw Patrol themed, with everything from birthday cake made especially for you, to cookies custom made, amd treat bags and decorations. Karen and Jason, Maryum and Sirin, Yaseen, Sally and their parents, Arwa, Shumon and the kids, Nancy, as well as Fatima, Jenine and Abdullah came. Tete and Jiddo were both here for a week and they have never been able to attend any of your birthday parties because of their work schedules. They arrived on the 21st of April and left on April 28th. It took you a couple of days to get used to them being here, and a couple of days to get used to them being gone. I really miss them and I think you do too. You were asking if Jiddo was asleep and when I said "yes probably", you wanted to go upstairs and look at him sleeping in his bed. I had to explain to you again that they went on an airplane to Kuwait and are in their home in Kuwait now. You were very sad when you heard that.

The week they were here was also my 2nd of two weeks being off from school. It was really nice, even though I was working almost every day during that period. Tete and Jiddo love you so much and miss you terribly. I hope you will always know how much they love you even though you don't see them all the time. 

I love you my darling.

Two Years, Ten Months, Eleven Days...

Dearest Jude,

You are at a funny age my darling.  You are fighting for your independence. So what seems to me like a temper tantrum about a minute thing, is a giant disaster to you, because so many things are out of your control. I have to remind myself of this every time I get angry at you. I have no patience and I am working hard to try to see things from your point of view when things get difficult. I am even going to a parenting class on Wednesdays now :)

Other than the stubbornness and the tantrums, you are still going to Fauzia every week. You seem to enjoy yourself because she always has kids over at her place while she is looking after you. We are also trying to get playdates established, so we have Karen, TJ and Jason over on some Thursdays, and then we have playdates with Rickilee, Abby and Aubree on some Tuesdays.

I am still busy with school and work. I am still trying to get a balance going, to no avail. So frustration is a common feeling I have, and I think that it affects our interactions.  I really hope that those few months won't affect our long term relationship.

I am trying to speak to you in Arabic only and it seems like you understand. I have to say things in Arabic, then English, then Arabic again to ensure that you know what I am saying. Work in progress and hopefully you will be speaking, reading and writing Arabic in the near future inshallah.

I love you so much my darling boy.

Two Years, Nine Months, Nine Days...

Dearest Jude,

Both baba and I have been working a lot these days. You and I have also been trying to get more playdates for you, because when I am home, I am usually trying to get school work done. I am really sorry but not always being there to play with you, and that the tv is usually on. I don't think you mind watching your cartoons, I just wish I could plan things better so that my schoolwork does not interfere with my time with you. I am struggling with the possibility of doing schoolwork when you and baba are sleeping, but then that takes away from time spent with you two in the mornings. I will figure things out. Inshallah I will not be in school for much longer. I am trying to finish the counselling degree as soon as possible.

This month was my and Rachel's birthday (Feb. 15th). Grammie took us out for lunch and then we had ice cream cake at her place, when Rachel visited on the weekend of Feb. 25th. I am pretty sure you had fun even though you don't like ice cream. March 4th was also khalo Ghassan's birthday. Khalo had his celebration with Tete and Jiddo in Kuwait.

I love you with all my heart Jude.

Two Years, Eight Months, Seven Days...

Dearest Jude,

Mashallah you are so amazing. Your words are so beautiful and well-spoken. You want to play all the time. You also want to hog the television and the iPad. You also want to monopolize Baba and his attention. It is understandable, considering you are buddies.

I sometimes feel left out, but I don't blame you. I am not always present even when I am physically with you.  I am sometimes doing my school work, whether it is posts, or projects, or papers. Going to school and working can be hectic. There is a lot of guilt about not spending every free minute doing exactly what you want to do. I am often glad when you go to Fauzia's and play with your friends there, because I know that you are having fun and learning. You go twice a week now while I am at work. Sometimes it is three times depending on my work schedule. If I am working more than three days on Baba's long week then Grammie would usually look after you. May Allah keep her, tete and jiddo safe for us. Ameen.

This month, Donald Trump became the 4th president of the United States. One of his first moves is to put a ban on Muslims coming into America. My tete and jiddo are there with my aunt Lina ans cousins Muayyad and Danny. They are American citizens but still do not feel safe in their own country, with anti-immigration, xenophobic, racist, sexist rhetoric. He is all about making America great again, but forgetting one of the main building blocks that gave birth to the U.S. as a country in the first place. The Women's March happened after his inauguration, which is not just about women's rights, but about equal rights for all, no DAPL, no bans on foreigners, no wall between Mexico and U.S.

I know that since we are in Canada,  that maybe I shouldn't care. But believe it or not, this affects Canada in general, and Muslims living in the west as well. Please remember to not let anyone make you uncomfortable in your own skin. Never let anyone take away who you are and what you stand for from you. You are Muslim. Your name may not give you away, but you are half Syrian. Syria is one of the countries from which people are banned from entering the U.S. by the way. Continue to pray, and continue to practice. Allah does not give one more burdens that they can handle. You got this. Whatever "this" may be in your adulthood. Right now for all of us, it is anti-Muslim and anti-immigration that would affect us directly. If things get worse than they are, it is more important than ever to keep your faith and to pray, pray, pray. Even if you don't see your baba and I praying, you KNOW that you need to pray your five daily prayers. Not only because you will be asked about it first when you face Allah. But also because it is your weapon against evil. It is your protection from outside Shaytan as well as the one inside. We are all capable of good and evil. Prayers will protect you from so much internal turmoil. It will also give you an opportunity to look after you and your spiritual and mental needs.

I love you so much my darling. Look after yourself and love people, all living things, and this beautiful earth given to us.

Two Years, Seven Months, Nine Days...

Dearest Jude,

Today is January 1st, 2017. Happy New Year!
This post is late, and again, I apologize. We have had a nice visit with Tete. She was here for 13 days. She left on Thursday, December 29th, 2016. She is staying for a week in New Jersey, with my Tete and Jiddo.

I had two weeks off from school and am starting a new course on Monday, January 2nd, inshallah.

You might have wondered why I was back in school, yet again. My first degree was a rush job, when I just graduated from Garden 12 without a clear idea of what I wanted to do with my life. I changed my major a couple of times, since I thought I wanted to apply for medical school,  pharmacy or dentistry. But that did not work out. I half-heartedly tried to get into those programs, somewhat knowing that they were really not what I wanted to do. There is a lot of prestige associated with those professions, but for some reason, I wasn't as bent on those as I should have been.
I met my best friend Fufu (your auntie Fatima who lives in Kuwait with her hubby and three daughters), at Dalhousie. I believe I was in my last year there. She transferred from Ryerson and wanted to apply to the Nutrition program at Mount Saint Vincent. On a whim, I applied as well, thinking that it is health related, would help people avoid getting sick, and would have a job upon graduation. I did not get into an internship, which would have enabled me to become a registered dietitian. Thinking that a Masters in Applied Human Nutrition would help me get there, I applied and got into a general Masters program - No internship!
So, I finished the Masters with no job prospects, but with a clearer goal of being hands on in the community. I applied got a few jobs in community centers and such, with no luck.

The degrees have been useful in getting jobs, but no career yet. Hopefully the counselling psychology degree I am working on would do me and us good. It is hard, as I am insecure and can compare myself to what others have achieved so far. I need to remember something my Baba,  your Jiddo, told me long ago. He told me to never look down on anyone, no matter their circumstances. You don't know who they are, what their life is like, whether they have amazing talents, a great and beautiful faith in Allah. They might be the best people. You are no better than anyone, despite your skin tone, your faith, your education, material possessions,  etc. Don't look up to just anyone either. Pick who you look up to wisely, just like you pick who you are friends with or spend considerable time with wisely. Don't look up to celebrities, or rich people, or people who might be considered good looking, who dress a certain way, etc. Look up to someone who embodies beauty from within, who is kind hearted, who treats people well, who cares for people,  who exemplifies the values of true Islam. Look up to someone who works hard, no matter what they do for a living.

Do not make the mistake of comparing yourself to others. You are you and everyone else is who they are. They have their life circumstances and you have yours. Nature and nurture, I believe, help us become who they are. So keep that in mind when you find yourself rushing to judge someone or compare yourself to someone.  If you have to compare yourself to someone, compare yourself to someone who, like I said before, exemplifies good characteristics, who are good people. But again, keep in mind who you are. You can grow and learn and improve upon yourself and certain aspects that you might not like, but please do not change yourself to fit in with someone or make yourself more appealing. If a person doesn't like you for who you are, then you can choose to continue to hang out with them and put up with their dislike of certain characteristics, or you can choose to end things on good terms and maintain an acquintance. No one will completely like everything about you 100% of the time. This would not provide any opportunities for growth, improvement, tolerance or understanding of differences.

I love you with all my heart. I hope I am a good enough mother for you.  I hope I am the mother you deserve.  You are the love of my life. I am passionately in love you my sweetheart.

Mama

Two Years, Six Months, Fourteen Days...

Dearest One,

I am again late with the post.

The change in seasons has gotten the best of me. I wasn't even sure if I should keep going with those letters to you. But, since you are my best friend, and only friend these days, I need to keep talking to you. And I hope those letters are beneficial to you too.

Don't get me wrong, I have great friends. Everyone is just busy and has their own lives to lead. My friends from university are either living elsewhere or busy with life's multitude of commitments and challenges. My friends from my various jobs, in between my full-time student career, are also busy with work and family, or have moved away for better employment and education opportunities. The friends who are here, due to my own neglect perhaps, would love to hang out but need an effort on my part. It makes sense, since if I don't make the effort to keep in touch, why should anyone?

School is busy. One great thing about school is I got to meet Ashley. I wish she lived closer but she lives in Ontario. We talk quite a bit over the phone. And when things get rough, I know that I can talk to her. I hope she knows she can talk to me.

You are going to Teacher Fauzia's house twice a week these days, with sissy Alana and Grammie hanging out with you when Baba is working. Tete is coming very soon!!! I am very excited as I miss having my parents/your Tete and Jiddo around. I am sure you miss them too. They add a certain level of love and comfort to our shared home. I wish they would move back already, but they need a retirement plan, as they like keeping busy and going out. They can travel more while living in Kuwait.

By the way, I know that you notice Baba and I having "discussions". You even tell us to stop talking most of the time. We disagree on a few things, and that is normal for two people. For us, we still have to figure out a healthy way to agree to disagree. We love each other, and that's a good base to start with. Just for your own benefit though:
- Marry someone who is a good Muslim, who loves God and family, and has the same values as you when it comes to family and work ethics as you.
- Marry someone who prays, fasts, pays Zakat and Sadaqa, and plans on taking you to Mecca for Hajj.
- Marry someone who values honesty, respect, commitment, compromise, and has similar beliefs to you with regards to the environment, human rights and diversity.

You can take almost all of those things with a grain of salt, except for the good Muslim part. That is a great base to start with, as without God's blessings and a great relationship with Him, all the other blessings and good points in your spouse may lose value. We all grow and change, so the level of Deen and Imaan will change over time and will go through ebbs and falls. As long as you help each other and go back to the point where at least the 5 pillars are being followed, you will be ok inshallah.

I am sorry this post is all about me. Like I previously said, you are my best friend.

You are talking up a storm mashallah. You are a true chatterbox that can't seem to stop. That is great by me and Baba, and everyone else Alhamdellah!

You are still not potty trained, but you are not ready yet. I know that, Baba knows that and you know that. So that is fine. You like sitting on your Paw Patrol toilet seat and going in the toilet. You take pride in that. So you understand the purpose and what to do. You are just not ready to do it all the time.

You are not eating well, but Alhamdellah you take a multivitamin (lions, tigers, etc.) and you seem to enjoy that part. We also give you probiotics in your juice once a day because your guts act up sometimes.

You are great at throwing tantrums, but you come by that honestly my sweet. You just threw a tantrum because we told you not to stand too close to the TV. So now Baba, who was tired and laying down on the couch, got up with you because you insisted on going down to the basement. I will leave things here to ensure that Baba gets the break he needs.

I love you with all my heart my dear. Sorry about the irregularity of the posts.

Mama

Bad Days

Today has been a bad day. The littlest things set me off, and it was just you and I. Baba was at work. There are many possible reasons for this, and I feel the need to list them because it is 9:23 pm and I am trying to determine what exactly happened, to ensure that I reduce or eliminate the sources:
- Today was my first day off in a few days, and I am still stuffed up from the 'flu from two weeks ago. My back is hurting as well.
- Related to health reasons, I have lost a lot of blood over the past few weeks, and my iron levels and other vitamin and mineral levels may be down as well.
- The house looks like a bomb went off in it. There is a mess everywhere you turn. It is bad enough that the garage has looked like this since the day baba moved his stuff in it, but now, the entire house looks like this.
- I feel lonely and cut off from other people. I go to work, and the people there are nice and professional. But, they have their own routines, friends, and cliques. I am struggling with fitting in with anyone. I am always at work, and so I don't really see anyone else, besides you, baba, your grammie, occasionally Alana, Fraser, and Khalo. I haven't even been talking to your tete and jiddo that much.
- Your baba and I haven't had the best of times over the last little while with regards to figuring out what is a top priority. Adjusting, for both him and I, to me being in school, always working, and having many of the household responsibilities placed on him while he is also working fulltime, has been difficult. I would say there has been no adjustment at all. So there is guilt there.

This list makes me feel a bit better because I am working to get to the bottom of things.

You are sleeping now, alhamdellah, and baba is home from work. So I should go so that he does not feel neglected. I still have school work to do before midnight.

I love you and I am sorry about being snappy.

Two Years, Five Months, Thirteen Days...

Dearest Jude,

Sorry it took me so long to write this entry. It has been a very busy month. Your grammie finally sold her house and her and Lynne have gone their separate ways. She has her own little place which we all love. Great big windows which she desparately wanted. I think you like it a lot better than you liked her own place.

I am really sorry if your early memories of me involve me being on my phone or in front of the laptop. School is getting busier. A new job with lots of different shift times does not help either. I hardly see you,  or hang out with you. This makes me extremely sad and disappointed. I really do need to finish this counselling program though in order for your future to be secure. I really hope you understand that.

We met Fawzia yesterday morning.  She will start looking after you for two days a week next week inshallah. I am hoping that it will be a great environment for you with lots to learn and fun to be had.

I had a lot more to talk to you about but it is 2:13 am and your baba will be upset if I stay in bed all morning.  I love you so much. You are the best that ever happened to me. You are the most important person in my life. I will always love you.

Two Years, Four Months, Six Days...

Dearest Jude,

Things are busy these days, that is why the posts have been late. Sorry honey.

You and I are in school, Monday to Friday, 9:15 AM to 5:45 PM. Baba's schedule is the same as before. So things are busy, with us in school and me trying to get academic work done for my Masters of Arts in Counselling Psychology degree. I wasn't sure if I mentioned before what this degree was so I figured I would do it now. 

You are currently fighting something, not sure what yet. In the last three days we have been to the doctor twice.  Today, you had a 101.8 F fever. So Tylenol all the way. We are going back to the doctor tomorrow inshallah.

You are a trouble maker, but ya Allah, what a cute trouble maker you are. You are pushing and hitting your friends. It doesn't take much to get things going for you. But I think it is the age you are at, as well as the power of having your own will and being your own person. I want you to be able and confident and strong. As long as those have a good, peaceful and productive outlet, inshallah everything will be OK. 

Tete and Jiddo really miss you. We see grammie at least for a weekend every two weeks. We see khalo every once in a while. We hung out with Alana, Fraser, Fraser's parents, and Rachel last weekend. We went to the Ovens and had a picnic and a hike there. We all had fun. It was amazing mashallah.

Some random news:
Mama's friend from Yorkville University, auntie Ashley, is very popular with you. You don't need blood relatives around and in close proximity to have a family, is what she has helped me realize. I am very thankful, alhamdellah. Grammie's house is sold,  so inshallah onwards and upwards for her. Syria is getting bombed even more than than ever, as the Russians and the Syrian government are bombing "rebels", but killing civilians instead.  CBC radio has even called it a genocide. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both running for presidency of the U. S. What a messed up world we live in. We are trying to be more ethically aware and are trying to eat only halal meat and chicken.

That's all for now I guess,  my love. I love you. Allah yehmeek w ywaf2ak w ykhaleek men ahl El Jannah. 

Two Years, Three Months, Four Days...

Dearest Jude,

This month has been interesting. You met my auntie Nouha, whom I haven't seen in years. I love her and alhamdellah that you loved her too. She brought you a puzzle with alphabet and numerical trains that you love. That, and a dolphin which is in your bed. You gave it lots of kisses when you first saw it.

Tete left a week ago today. You keep asking about her. I think you really miss her.  I know we all do. I just really really miss her and my dad more than you will ever know, I hope. I don't want you to ever feel that way. I know I can't protect you from everything, but I hope and pray to Allah that you will never feel lonely even if you are alone. I hope you never feel sad. I hope you never get depressed. I hope you always feel heard.  I hope you always feel loved and appreciated. I also hope and pray that you avoid all the negative emotions and are filled with positivity and light because of being full of love for Allah. Without Him, we would not have had you, we would not have made it through so many things.  Without him your tete and jiddo's hard work and sacrifice would have not happened. They are the most incredible parents and human beings anyone would be lucky to have in their lives. Cherish them and never take them for granted. Cherish your family and stand by them. They are you and you are them. Stand up for them when right, and with kindness and gentleness and with prayer and guidance from Allah, stand up to them if they are wrong. Never lose your faith no matter how hard the world tries to make you. At the end of the day you and God have a connection that no one can take from you. At the end of the day it is your faith, life and akhira. It is no one else's. It is your fate. So no matter how hard it may be to practice your faith, with people like Trump and laws like the "burkini" law, do not give up who you are.

I love you with all my heart my darling. I may not always get it right,  but I will always try inshallah. Just like I know you will always try to be a good Muslim. I know you will always use what Allah gave you to better yourself and the world around you.

Mama

Two Years, Two Months, Nine Days...

Dearest Jude,

This post is late, I know. It has been a tough couple of weeks in this house. Your dad and I were having a hard time,  being the best versions of ourselves and being the best couple we can be. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe a reason for that to have happened is for me to be typing the following message for you:

Without a good and solid foundation, nothing stays standing. This applies to yourself as a person and a human being, to school work, to career and work, and to relationships. And you would need a good foundation for you as a human being and a person to build up good fou dations for everything else in your life. A good foundation for you as a person means keeping in mind that we are in control of our actions and how we behave. God knows our past, present and future, and he is in control of everything, but at the end of the day, He gave us the power to think, speak, move and act as free human beings. For your own benefit, you need to be a good Muslim, and try to emulate the character of the Prophets as much as possible. God is always with you. Keeping His love around you and your love for Him in you at all times will inshallah help you through the toughest times and bring you joy in the best of circumstances inshallah.

Alhamdellah things are better. Every couple goes through ups and downs. This up and down journey also happens in self-care, happiness, sadness, career, faith, anything and everything. So as long as you have your goal in mind, you will make it through the worst parts inshallah.

We went on a road trip with Tete, Grammie (her birthday was today), myself, baba and you of course. We went to Peggy's Cove, where you finished your nap. We then went on the old highway to Mahone Bay and took a walk. You seemed to have fun alhamdellah.

I love you my darling. No matter what happens and what mistakes I make, I hope you will never forget that.

Mama

Two Years, One Month, Five Days

Dearest Jude,

A few changes have taken place this month. It is Ramadan!!! The advent calnedar is going again and alhamdellah you love it!

We had a friend who used to come every once in a while leave us (Cody). He started in day care. Tete is here for the summer. Yay! She came on the 17th of June. Khalo and I picked her up while you and baba were picking up Rachel. She spent the weekend of the 17th of June with us as it was Father's Day on that Sunday. Also, you started daycare at the Maritime Muslim Academy last week, while I started working in the same classroom. I believe that this is the biggest change of all for you.

We come in at 915 am and leave at 545 pm. Tete usually picks us up. We will have to have access to the car once she goes back to Kuwait at the end of her summer vacation inshallah.

You are quite upset at times. I am not sure if you don't understand why you have to be with a big group of children all of a sudden,  but this needed to happen. You are always with baba and I and are not getting social interactions with a lot of children your age. You need that to get prepared for school. Inshallah things will get easier for you. It is hard on me too as I hate seeing you upset. You need this though, so at the end of the day I hope that you benefit from it. I also hope that you get used to it soon, inshallah.

I am on my break now and you are still napping I believe so I will keep this short. No matter what happens know that baba and I always love you. Our relationship with you will not always be easy, but that is OK.  Every relationship you have in your life requires work and commitment,  so choose your companions wisely. Even more importantly, choose your wife wisely. Friends will affect how you view the world and will in turn affect your behaviours, thoughts and opinions. Your wife, will not only do that for you, but will also do that for your children as well. So please be mindful of the company you keep, in all its forms. Also, be mindful of what you read, see, watch and hear. If you intake good, good will come out inshallah. Keep good thoughts in your mind and always always always rely on Allah before you rely on anyone else. Pray your 5 daily prayers. Never leave those.

I love you.

Two Years and Two Days...

Dearest Jude,

You are Two years old, my darling! Mashallah. I am not sure how much you will remember from this time, but I need you to know how much joy you bring to everyone's life. You are a comic, a trickster and a performer. You want people to smile and laugh. You intentionally smile at everyone just so that you get them to smile back. That is an amazing quality, because it seems to me like you truly care for people. I hope this doesn't get you in trouble when you are older though, considering that not everyone should be pleased and catered to. Our energies need to be exerted on people who teach us something new everyday, who add value, peace and happiness to our lives, and who push us to be the greatest version of ourselves. Those people, if you are lucky to have them in your life, are true friends. I found that the best friends I ever had, were the ones whom I was able to have fun with, just by talking and sharing stories, no external factors required.

We had a Super Wings party for you, on Sunday, the 22nd. You have not been feeling well, perhaps due to your adventure with a toothbrush and a toilet bowl(?). Apparently, that is normal behaviour for a two-year old. The reason why this post is two days late, is because you, khalo and I were at the IWK Emergency department for a few hours today. You have been having some intestinal issues for the past few days, which turned into other issues and into you being very miserable. You had a fever and were inconsolable. So off we went, and found out that everything seems normal and that we have to wait and see if a fever returns and/or if symptoms persist. Another reason, is my online studies. I have been trying to cram as much learning and online presence into my daily existence, as possible. I apologize for not spending as much time with you as I would like.

On this note, I found out through speaking to a life coach, today, that we humans have six needs:
1- certainty: stability, comfort, safety, financial security...-(need of personality)
2- variety: surprises (good, or problematic)-(need of personality)
3- significance: to achieve something -(need of personality)
4- love and connection: we all settle for a connection because love is too scary-(need of personality)
5- growth: learning and expanding ourselves, taking on new challenges, expanding awareness, curiosity towards self-(need of spirit)
6- contribution

I need you to learn from my mistakes. I have realized that I attach significance to achievement and to education. My self-worth is attached to those so much, that if I am unemployed (like I am now), I feel like a failure. The fact that I am in school now answers to that need at the moment. This is not a healthy way to look at things. My self-worth and value are already inside me, I am here, alive and breathing. God has given me this gift. Therefore, I have value. I hope you learn that early on, so that you avoid any misery associated with bad self-worth. I am not saying this because I am your mother, but I am telling you the truth. You are an amazing human being, capable of infinite things. Don't ever let anyone, especially you, put you down. You are worthy because God said so and God gave you your life. You are loved, not just by us but by God. Strive to achieve things that not only make you happy and your life better, but make sure that those things do not bring hardship/misery/sadness to anyone else. Do not be selfish in your quest for happiness. If you can face God with your deeds, with a clear conscious, then you are making the right decision.

Practice gratitude every day. Besides your daily prayers, which are hard to maintain at times I know, sit and spend 5 to 10 minutes listing five things you feel gratitude for. If you think about those and the positives in you life, inshallah you will have positive surrounding you, since the brain wants to prove our beliefs for us. If you are thinking about positive things in your life, your brain has no reason to think about the negatives. Even when you face a calamity (inshallah never), a failure, or a problem, never forget that we face problems in our lives because God wants to give us opportunities to grow, to learn something new about ourselves, and to allow us to make decisions and to forge our own path. Always think, what would the Prophet (PBUH) do? What would all the prophets (PBUT) do?

These past few months, without the anti-depressants, and now without any supplements at all, I am finding out more and more, how much I am blessed to have you, and how much I have missed since you have been born. Depression is a state of mind. I am working on my prayers and I am working on my gratitude exercises. I am working on being present and on breaking the cycle of negative self-talk and negative thoughts. They hold me back, present no benefit, and add no value. Instead, they are habitual and make good excuses. I hope you never have to deal with that, and never feel the need to put pressure on yourself to be perfect. Perfection only exists in the form of God. We can never be perfect, and everything can not be perfect. There is no perfect way of doing things. So I hope that you never feel pressure in that department. Our imperfections make us individual and distinct. If all humans are the same, where are our learning opportunities? where are the challenges and successes?

I hope your Arabic is as good as your social skills... and I hope both continue to serve you well. Don't forget to pray all your prayers and surround yourself with positive role models and friends with similar values and goals. Drugs can be fun for a while, but they are never the answer to problems. They will mask them for a while, to leave you with a sense of loss and despair, and a problem that is still unresolved. The same applies to alcohol. Your brain and body are Amanah. You will have to give them back. And just like library books, they need to be in tip-top shape.


I know I am rambling. I also know I am missing you at the moment. So I am going to bed and lying next to you. I love you.
Mama

One Year, Eleven Months, One Day...

Dearest Jude,

Today, you are 23 months old. Next month inshallah, you will be two years old.
You are very good at catching words and phrases. I said "dang it" in front of you last night and you repeated it twice. So we really have to watch what we say and do around you. I am trying to speak to you in Arabic every day to get you used to it. I am hoping that you will speak both arabic and English.  A second language is very important in this day and age. It is especially important to ensure that the Arab and Syrian heritage is present and carried on.
Never let anyone make you feel ashamed of who you are or where you come from. You, just like every other person on this earth, are a beautiful human being. You are smart, generous, kind and peace loving. If you feel intensity around you,  you try to make us laugh. That tells me that you want everyone around you to be happy. I adore that about you.
We are all capable of good as well as evil, so don't ever doubt that. You need to watch yourself and what you are capable of, above watching what others are capable of. If you do evil, you will get it. If you do kindness and love,  you will get them. Even if you don't get them in this life, you will in the Hereafter. God is just. Do not let injustice in this life trick you into thinking or believing that the world is a bad place. It can be. But it can be a peaceful place, full of love. Surround yourself with good people and live a God-loving life, and even if you run into bad times or hard times, things will balance out at the end. Never ever lose hope in God. He will take care of you. He loves you a million times more than your mama and baba love you. And we love you a million times more than you can imagine. God loves you that much, and more.
I am sorry I have been zoned out. I am, insert clichéd term here I know, on a journey of self-betterment. I am trying to be healthy for you, baba, Khalo, tete, jiddo, grammie and sissies. I am still trying to find something that would allow me to feel fulfilled and to make a difference in this world, while earning a living and supporting our amazing family, all above individuals included. Please learn from my mistakes. If you find something you love doing and you think you can make a life out of it, pray istikhara and ask God for guidance, follow both your heart and mind, and then tawakkal (put your faith in Allah). Work as hard as you can at it. But never ever forget or neglect your duties towards God and towards your family. Family is your guiding light, your friends in thick and thin, and your everlasting source of unconditional love. Family doesn't just mean blood relatives, but also includes friends who stand by you always and who try to better you and your life. Those who add postivity to your life and allow you to add positivity to theirs are true friends.
Look up to good and pious people, people who care about God and people and the earth and their Hereafter. Do not look up to people who "have" things. Things are meaningless. They are fleeting. Your faith, behaviour and actions, and reputation can last many lifetimes over. This is another mistake I made. I thought that having things would make me happy. Having friends would make me happy. I cared more about quantity than quality. All that happened is that I put my hopes into certain people and they were disappointed. My friends are few, but they are my family when your tete and jiddo are not here. They are here for you too and love you as if you are their own.

I love you so much my darling.
حبيب قلبي انت. الله يخليك و يحميك و يهديك.

ماما

One Year, Ten Months, Four Days...

Dearest Jude,

Time sure flies by! We are consumed with every day life and sometimes forget to stop and appreciate each other, our surroundings and ourselves. It really is sad because once time passes, there is no getting it back. Things are still busy with Maisie. You are growing to be a strong, independent and defiant young man. It can be taxing, but I wouldn't not change it for anything. Alhamdellah for you, all of you. You are a gift and a blessing from God to us and to everyone around you. My heart swells when I think about you, as I am doing now, since I am working at the hospital. I pick up shifts to help your dad financially, and for you and baba to spend some quality time together.

I love you so much. Happy almost-two years!!

((Middle Eastern)) Mother's Day

Today, March 21st, is the Middle Eastern Mother's Day. So never forget to celebrate this day with your tete and I. No matter how long I live here and how Canadian I am, I will never forget where I come from and who I am. This also means that I hope you won't forget your roots and where you come from as a result. You are half Syrian, half Canadian, born and raised in Canada. But even more importantly, you are first and foremost Muslim. Never ever forget that in your thoughts, manners, behaviour and goals in life. It is a gift that many spend their whole lives searching for. You were blessed to be born Muslim. Don't let misconceptions or misunderstandings about our religion throw you off course. God is always with you, so let Him guide you. Use the Holy Book and the prophets peace be upon them all be your example. 

So, not to toot my own horn, but being nice and respectful, no matter how much you and i may disagree or not see eye to eye on, to both your father and I or any family member for that matter, is important. Not just on special days, but every day. Being respectful, will inshallah give you respect in return. Being a person of your word, to be trusted and respected, is something i will try to instill in you. It is my duty as your mother, and I am sure you will one day realize how hard of a job this is, to guide you as best as I can. 

Your dad may accuse me of being a hippy, and I actually derive pleasure from this accusation, but I truly believe that a peaceful approach to life situations brings more peace to your own heart and life. Having said that, never ever let anyone push you around. The Prophet peace be upon him never let anyone abuse him. Even when he was abused, he turned the other cheek so long as he was learning something from it. He was smart. He knew when to turn the other cheek and when to defend himself. If harm was to come to him and his companions, he prayed for guidance from God, and defended all. 

As your mother, if i don't get a chance to teach you any thing else, this would be what I wish to teach you: Never forget to be the best version of who you are and to strive to be the best God loving human you can be. You are loved by God. He wants what is best for you. This is why everything He asks of us, is not for His good, but for our own, for us to be the happiest and best versiobs of ourselves. He loves you an infinite number of times more than your own mother does, which is beyond comprehension. So do what He told you to do. Apply the five pillars in your life. Be helpful and kind. Always ask yourself: "What would the Prophet(s) peace be upon him(them) do?". Read the Quran and study it's history. Reading it by itself without learning the context will only lead to misunderstandings of the text and to misinformation. Spend time learning and teaching yourself about our beautiful religion. Put your trust in God and have faith in Him. He will not lead you astray and you will always be where you are meant to be. Everything happens for a reason. If something good happens, thank Him. If something bad happens, thank Him even more. We are learning from the moment we take our first breath until the moment we take our last. He has been and always will be there for you. Have faith and trust in Him. We are meant to take this journey and we are meant to work towards a good outcome in an eternity of heaven, God willing. 

I love you with all my heart my wonderful son.

Image from: happymothersdayquotesimages.org