Monday, November 21, 2016

Bad Days

Today has been a bad day. The littlest things set me off, and it was just you and I. Baba was at work. There are many possible reasons for this, and I feel the need to list them because it is 9:23 pm and I am trying to determine what exactly happened, to ensure that I reduce or eliminate the sources:
- Today was my first day off in a few days, and I am still stuffed up from the 'flu from two weeks ago. My back is hurting as well.
- Related to health reasons, I have lost a lot of blood over the past few weeks, and my iron levels and other vitamin and mineral levels may be down as well.
- The house looks like a bomb went off in it. There is a mess everywhere you turn. It is bad enough that the garage has looked like this since the day baba moved his stuff in it, but now, the entire house looks like this.
- I feel lonely and cut off from other people. I go to work, and the people there are nice and professional. But, they have their own routines, friends, and cliques. I am struggling with fitting in with anyone. I am always at work, and so I don't really see anyone else, besides you, baba, your grammie, occasionally Alana, Fraser, and Khalo. I haven't even been talking to your tete and jiddo that much.
- Your baba and I haven't had the best of times over the last little while with regards to figuring out what is a top priority. Adjusting, for both him and I, to me being in school, always working, and having many of the household responsibilities placed on him while he is also working fulltime, has been difficult. I would say there has been no adjustment at all. So there is guilt there.

This list makes me feel a bit better because I am working to get to the bottom of things.

You are sleeping now, alhamdellah, and baba is home from work. So I should go so that he does not feel neglected. I still have school work to do before midnight.

I love you and I am sorry about being snappy.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Two Years, Five Months, Thirteen Days...

Dearest Jude,

Sorry it took me so long to write this entry. It has been a very busy month. Your grammie finally sold her house and her and Lynne have gone their separate ways. She has her own little place which we all love. Great big windows which she desparately wanted. I think you like it a lot better than you liked her own place.

I am really sorry if your early memories of me involve me being on my phone or in front of the laptop. School is getting busier. A new job with lots of different shift times does not help either. I hardly see you,  or hang out with you. This makes me extremely sad and disappointed. I really do need to finish this counselling program though in order for your future to be secure. I really hope you understand that.

We met Fawzia yesterday morning.  She will start looking after you for two days a week next week inshallah. I am hoping that it will be a great environment for you with lots to learn and fun to be had.

I had a lot more to talk to you about but it is 2:13 am and your baba will be upset if I stay in bed all morning.  I love you so much. You are the best that ever happened to me. You are the most important person in my life. I will always love you.