Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Two Years and Two Days...

Dearest Jude,

You are Two years old, my darling! Mashallah. I am not sure how much you will remember from this time, but I need you to know how much joy you bring to everyone's life. You are a comic, a trickster and a performer. You want people to smile and laugh. You intentionally smile at everyone just so that you get them to smile back. That is an amazing quality, because it seems to me like you truly care for people. I hope this doesn't get you in trouble when you are older though, considering that not everyone should be pleased and catered to. Our energies need to be exerted on people who teach us something new everyday, who add value, peace and happiness to our lives, and who push us to be the greatest version of ourselves. Those people, if you are lucky to have them in your life, are true friends. I found that the best friends I ever had, were the ones whom I was able to have fun with, just by talking and sharing stories, no external factors required.

We had a Super Wings party for you, on Sunday, the 22nd. You have not been feeling well, perhaps due to your adventure with a toothbrush and a toilet bowl(?). Apparently, that is normal behaviour for a two-year old. The reason why this post is two days late, is because you, khalo and I were at the IWK Emergency department for a few hours today. You have been having some intestinal issues for the past few days, which turned into other issues and into you being very miserable. You had a fever and were inconsolable. So off we went, and found out that everything seems normal and that we have to wait and see if a fever returns and/or if symptoms persist. Another reason, is my online studies. I have been trying to cram as much learning and online presence into my daily existence, as possible. I apologize for not spending as much time with you as I would like.

On this note, I found out through speaking to a life coach, today, that we humans have six needs:
1- certainty: stability, comfort, safety, financial security...-(need of personality)
2- variety: surprises (good, or problematic)-(need of personality)
3- significance: to achieve something -(need of personality)
4- love and connection: we all settle for a connection because love is too scary-(need of personality)
5- growth: learning and expanding ourselves, taking on new challenges, expanding awareness, curiosity towards self-(need of spirit)
6- contribution

I need you to learn from my mistakes. I have realized that I attach significance to achievement and to education. My self-worth is attached to those so much, that if I am unemployed (like I am now), I feel like a failure. The fact that I am in school now answers to that need at the moment. This is not a healthy way to look at things. My self-worth and value are already inside me, I am here, alive and breathing. God has given me this gift. Therefore, I have value. I hope you learn that early on, so that you avoid any misery associated with bad self-worth. I am not saying this because I am your mother, but I am telling you the truth. You are an amazing human being, capable of infinite things. Don't ever let anyone, especially you, put you down. You are worthy because God said so and God gave you your life. You are loved, not just by us but by God. Strive to achieve things that not only make you happy and your life better, but make sure that those things do not bring hardship/misery/sadness to anyone else. Do not be selfish in your quest for happiness. If you can face God with your deeds, with a clear conscious, then you are making the right decision.

Practice gratitude every day. Besides your daily prayers, which are hard to maintain at times I know, sit and spend 5 to 10 minutes listing five things you feel gratitude for. If you think about those and the positives in you life, inshallah you will have positive surrounding you, since the brain wants to prove our beliefs for us. If you are thinking about positive things in your life, your brain has no reason to think about the negatives. Even when you face a calamity (inshallah never), a failure, or a problem, never forget that we face problems in our lives because God wants to give us opportunities to grow, to learn something new about ourselves, and to allow us to make decisions and to forge our own path. Always think, what would the Prophet (PBUH) do? What would all the prophets (PBUT) do?

These past few months, without the anti-depressants, and now without any supplements at all, I am finding out more and more, how much I am blessed to have you, and how much I have missed since you have been born. Depression is a state of mind. I am working on my prayers and I am working on my gratitude exercises. I am working on being present and on breaking the cycle of negative self-talk and negative thoughts. They hold me back, present no benefit, and add no value. Instead, they are habitual and make good excuses. I hope you never have to deal with that, and never feel the need to put pressure on yourself to be perfect. Perfection only exists in the form of God. We can never be perfect, and everything can not be perfect. There is no perfect way of doing things. So I hope that you never feel pressure in that department. Our imperfections make us individual and distinct. If all humans are the same, where are our learning opportunities? where are the challenges and successes?

I hope your Arabic is as good as your social skills... and I hope both continue to serve you well. Don't forget to pray all your prayers and surround yourself with positive role models and friends with similar values and goals. Drugs can be fun for a while, but they are never the answer to problems. They will mask them for a while, to leave you with a sense of loss and despair, and a problem that is still unresolved. The same applies to alcohol. Your brain and body are Amanah. You will have to give them back. And just like library books, they need to be in tip-top shape.

I know I am rambling. I also know I am missing you at the moment. So I am going to bed and lying next to you. I love you.

No comments:

Post a Comment