Two Years, Five Months, Thirteen Days...

Dearest Jude,

Sorry it took me so long to write this entry. It has been a very busy month. Your grammie finally sold her house and her and Lynne have gone their separate ways. She has her own little place which we all love. Great big windows which she desparately wanted. I think you like it a lot better than you liked her own place.

I am really sorry if your early memories of me involve me being on my phone or in front of the laptop. School is getting busier. A new job with lots of different shift times does not help either. I hardly see you,  or hang out with you. This makes me extremely sad and disappointed. I really do need to finish this counselling program though in order for your future to be secure. I really hope you understand that.

We met Fawzia yesterday morning.  She will start looking after you for two days a week next week inshallah. I am hoping that it will be a great environment for you with lots to learn and fun to be had.

I had a lot more to talk to you about but it is 2:13 am and your baba will be upset if I stay in bed all morning.  I love you so much. You are the best that ever happened to me. You are the most important person in my life. I will always love you.

Two Years, Four Months, Six Days...

Dearest Jude,

Things are busy these days, that is why the posts have been late. Sorry honey.

You and I are in school, Monday to Friday, 9:15 AM to 5:45 PM. Baba's schedule is the same as before. So things are busy, with us in school and me trying to get academic work done for my Masters of Arts in Counselling Psychology degree. I wasn't sure if I mentioned before what this degree was so I figured I would do it now. 

You are currently fighting something, not sure what yet. In the last three days we have been to the doctor twice.  Today, you had a 101.8 F fever. So Tylenol all the way. We are going back to the doctor tomorrow inshallah.

You are a trouble maker, but ya Allah, what a cute trouble maker you are. You are pushing and hitting your friends. It doesn't take much to get things going for you. But I think it is the age you are at, as well as the power of having your own will and being your own person. I want you to be able and confident and strong. As long as those have a good, peaceful and productive outlet, inshallah everything will be OK. 

Tete and Jiddo really miss you. We see grammie at least for a weekend every two weeks. We see khalo every once in a while. We hung out with Alana, Fraser, Fraser's parents, and Rachel last weekend. We went to the Ovens and had a picnic and a hike there. We all had fun. It was amazing mashallah.

Some random news:
Mama's friend from Yorkville University, auntie Ashley, is very popular with you. You don't need blood relatives around and in close proximity to have a family, is what she has helped me realize. I am very thankful, alhamdellah. Grammie's house is sold,  so inshallah onwards and upwards for her. Syria is getting bombed even more than than ever, as the Russians and the Syrian government are bombing "rebels", but killing civilians instead.  CBC radio has even called it a genocide. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both running for presidency of the U. S. What a messed up world we live in. We are trying to be more ethically aware and are trying to eat only halal meat and chicken.

That's all for now I guess,  my love. I love you. Allah yehmeek w ywaf2ak w ykhaleek men ahl El Jannah. 

Two Years, Three Months, Four Days...

Dearest Jude,

This month has been interesting. You met my auntie Nouha, whom I haven't seen in years. I love her and alhamdellah that you loved her too. She brought you a puzzle with alphabet and numerical trains that you love. That, and a dolphin which is in your bed. You gave it lots of kisses when you first saw it.

Tete left a week ago today. You keep asking about her. I think you really miss her.  I know we all do. I just really really miss her and my dad more than you will ever know, I hope. I don't want you to ever feel that way. I know I can't protect you from everything, but I hope and pray to Allah that you will never feel lonely even if you are alone. I hope you never feel sad. I hope you never get depressed. I hope you always feel heard.  I hope you always feel loved and appreciated. I also hope and pray that you avoid all the negative emotions and are filled with positivity and light because of being full of love for Allah. Without Him, we would not have had you, we would not have made it through so many things.  Without him your tete and jiddo's hard work and sacrifice would have not happened. They are the most incredible parents and human beings anyone would be lucky to have in their lives. Cherish them and never take them for granted. Cherish your family and stand by them. They are you and you are them. Stand up for them when right, and with kindness and gentleness and with prayer and guidance from Allah, stand up to them if they are wrong. Never lose your faith no matter how hard the world tries to make you. At the end of the day you and God have a connection that no one can take from you. At the end of the day it is your faith, life and akhira. It is no one else's. It is your fate. So no matter how hard it may be to practice your faith, with people like Trump and laws like the "burkini" law, do not give up who you are.

I love you with all my heart my darling. I may not always get it right,  but I will always try inshallah. Just like I know you will always try to be a good Muslim. I know you will always use what Allah gave you to better yourself and the world around you.

Mama

Two Years, Two Months, Nine Days...

Dearest Jude,

This post is late, I know. It has been a tough couple of weeks in this house. Your dad and I were having a hard time,  being the best versions of ourselves and being the best couple we can be. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe a reason for that to have happened is for me to be typing the following message for you:

Without a good and solid foundation, nothing stays standing. This applies to yourself as a person and a human being, to school work, to career and work, and to relationships. And you would need a good foundation for you as a human being and a person to build up good fou dations for everything else in your life. A good foundation for you as a person means keeping in mind that we are in control of our actions and how we behave. God knows our past, present and future, and he is in control of everything, but at the end of the day, He gave us the power to think, speak, move and act as free human beings. For your own benefit, you need to be a good Muslim, and try to emulate the character of the Prophets as much as possible. God is always with you. Keeping His love around you and your love for Him in you at all times will inshallah help you through the toughest times and bring you joy in the best of circumstances inshallah.

Alhamdellah things are better. Every couple goes through ups and downs. This up and down journey also happens in self-care, happiness, sadness, career, faith, anything and everything. So as long as you have your goal in mind, you will make it through the worst parts inshallah.

We went on a road trip with Tete, Grammie (her birthday was today), myself, baba and you of course. We went to Peggy's Cove, where you finished your nap. We then went on the old highway to Mahone Bay and took a walk. You seemed to have fun alhamdellah.

I love you my darling. No matter what happens and what mistakes I make, I hope you will never forget that.

Mama

Two Years, One Month, Five Days

Dearest Jude,

A few changes have taken place this month. It is Ramadan!!! The advent calnedar is going again and alhamdellah you love it!

We had a friend who used to come every once in a while leave us (Cody). He started in day care. Tete is here for the summer. Yay! She came on the 17th of June. Khalo and I picked her up while you and baba were picking up Rachel. She spent the weekend of the 17th of June with us as it was Father's Day on that Sunday. Also, you started daycare at the Maritime Muslim Academy last week, while I started working in the same classroom. I believe that this is the biggest change of all for you.

We come in at 915 am and leave at 545 pm. Tete usually picks us up. We will have to have access to the car once she goes back to Kuwait at the end of her summer vacation inshallah.

You are quite upset at times. I am not sure if you don't understand why you have to be with a big group of children all of a sudden,  but this needed to happen. You are always with baba and I and are not getting social interactions with a lot of children your age. You need that to get prepared for school. Inshallah things will get easier for you. It is hard on me too as I hate seeing you upset. You need this though, so at the end of the day I hope that you benefit from it. I also hope that you get used to it soon, inshallah.

I am on my break now and you are still napping I believe so I will keep this short. No matter what happens know that baba and I always love you. Our relationship with you will not always be easy, but that is OK.  Every relationship you have in your life requires work and commitment,  so choose your companions wisely. Even more importantly, choose your wife wisely. Friends will affect how you view the world and will in turn affect your behaviours, thoughts and opinions. Your wife, will not only do that for you, but will also do that for your children as well. So please be mindful of the company you keep, in all its forms. Also, be mindful of what you read, see, watch and hear. If you intake good, good will come out inshallah. Keep good thoughts in your mind and always always always rely on Allah before you rely on anyone else. Pray your 5 daily prayers. Never leave those.

I love you.

Two Years and Two Days...

Dearest Jude,

You are Two years old, my darling! Mashallah. I am not sure how much you will remember from this time, but I need you to know how much joy you bring to everyone's life. You are a comic, a trickster and a performer. You want people to smile and laugh. You intentionally smile at everyone just so that you get them to smile back. That is an amazing quality, because it seems to me like you truly care for people. I hope this doesn't get you in trouble when you are older though, considering that not everyone should be pleased and catered to. Our energies need to be exerted on people who teach us something new everyday, who add value, peace and happiness to our lives, and who push us to be the greatest version of ourselves. Those people, if you are lucky to have them in your life, are true friends. I found that the best friends I ever had, were the ones whom I was able to have fun with, just by talking and sharing stories, no external factors required.

We had a Super Wings party for you, on Sunday, the 22nd. You have not been feeling well, perhaps due to your adventure with a toothbrush and a toilet bowl(?). Apparently, that is normal behaviour for a two-year old. The reason why this post is two days late, is because you, khalo and I were at the IWK Emergency department for a few hours today. You have been having some intestinal issues for the past few days, which turned into other issues and into you being very miserable. You had a fever and were inconsolable. So off we went, and found out that everything seems normal and that we have to wait and see if a fever returns and/or if symptoms persist. Another reason, is my online studies. I have been trying to cram as much learning and online presence into my daily existence, as possible. I apologize for not spending as much time with you as I would like.

On this note, I found out through speaking to a life coach, today, that we humans have six needs:
1- certainty: stability, comfort, safety, financial security...-(need of personality)
2- variety: surprises (good, or problematic)-(need of personality)
3- significance: to achieve something -(need of personality)
4- love and connection: we all settle for a connection because love is too scary-(need of personality)
5- growth: learning and expanding ourselves, taking on new challenges, expanding awareness, curiosity towards self-(need of spirit)
6- contribution

I need you to learn from my mistakes. I have realized that I attach significance to achievement and to education. My self-worth is attached to those so much, that if I am unemployed (like I am now), I feel like a failure. The fact that I am in school now answers to that need at the moment. This is not a healthy way to look at things. My self-worth and value are already inside me, I am here, alive and breathing. God has given me this gift. Therefore, I have value. I hope you learn that early on, so that you avoid any misery associated with bad self-worth. I am not saying this because I am your mother, but I am telling you the truth. You are an amazing human being, capable of infinite things. Don't ever let anyone, especially you, put you down. You are worthy because God said so and God gave you your life. You are loved, not just by us but by God. Strive to achieve things that not only make you happy and your life better, but make sure that those things do not bring hardship/misery/sadness to anyone else. Do not be selfish in your quest for happiness. If you can face God with your deeds, with a clear conscious, then you are making the right decision.

Practice gratitude every day. Besides your daily prayers, which are hard to maintain at times I know, sit and spend 5 to 10 minutes listing five things you feel gratitude for. If you think about those and the positives in you life, inshallah you will have positive surrounding you, since the brain wants to prove our beliefs for us. If you are thinking about positive things in your life, your brain has no reason to think about the negatives. Even when you face a calamity (inshallah never), a failure, or a problem, never forget that we face problems in our lives because God wants to give us opportunities to grow, to learn something new about ourselves, and to allow us to make decisions and to forge our own path. Always think, what would the Prophet (PBUH) do? What would all the prophets (PBUT) do?

These past few months, without the anti-depressants, and now without any supplements at all, I am finding out more and more, how much I am blessed to have you, and how much I have missed since you have been born. Depression is a state of mind. I am working on my prayers and I am working on my gratitude exercises. I am working on being present and on breaking the cycle of negative self-talk and negative thoughts. They hold me back, present no benefit, and add no value. Instead, they are habitual and make good excuses. I hope you never have to deal with that, and never feel the need to put pressure on yourself to be perfect. Perfection only exists in the form of God. We can never be perfect, and everything can not be perfect. There is no perfect way of doing things. So I hope that you never feel pressure in that department. Our imperfections make us individual and distinct. If all humans are the same, where are our learning opportunities? where are the challenges and successes?

I hope your Arabic is as good as your social skills... and I hope both continue to serve you well. Don't forget to pray all your prayers and surround yourself with positive role models and friends with similar values and goals. Drugs can be fun for a while, but they are never the answer to problems. They will mask them for a while, to leave you with a sense of loss and despair, and a problem that is still unresolved. The same applies to alcohol. Your brain and body are Amanah. You will have to give them back. And just like library books, they need to be in tip-top shape.


I know I am rambling. I also know I am missing you at the moment. So I am going to bed and lying next to you. I love you.
Mama

One Year, Eleven Months, One Day...

Dearest Jude,

Today, you are 23 months old. Next month inshallah, you will be two years old.
You are very good at catching words and phrases. I said "dang it" in front of you last night and you repeated it twice. So we really have to watch what we say and do around you. I am trying to speak to you in Arabic every day to get you used to it. I am hoping that you will speak both arabic and English.  A second language is very important in this day and age. It is especially important to ensure that the Arab and Syrian heritage is present and carried on.
Never let anyone make you feel ashamed of who you are or where you come from. You, just like every other person on this earth, are a beautiful human being. You are smart, generous, kind and peace loving. If you feel intensity around you,  you try to make us laugh. That tells me that you want everyone around you to be happy. I adore that about you.
We are all capable of good as well as evil, so don't ever doubt that. You need to watch yourself and what you are capable of, above watching what others are capable of. If you do evil, you will get it. If you do kindness and love,  you will get them. Even if you don't get them in this life, you will in the Hereafter. God is just. Do not let injustice in this life trick you into thinking or believing that the world is a bad place. It can be. But it can be a peaceful place, full of love. Surround yourself with good people and live a God-loving life, and even if you run into bad times or hard times, things will balance out at the end. Never ever lose hope in God. He will take care of you. He loves you a million times more than your mama and baba love you. And we love you a million times more than you can imagine. God loves you that much, and more.
I am sorry I have been zoned out. I am, insert clichéd term here I know, on a journey of self-betterment. I am trying to be healthy for you, baba, Khalo, tete, jiddo, grammie and sissies. I am still trying to find something that would allow me to feel fulfilled and to make a difference in this world, while earning a living and supporting our amazing family, all above individuals included. Please learn from my mistakes. If you find something you love doing and you think you can make a life out of it, pray istikhara and ask God for guidance, follow both your heart and mind, and then tawakkal (put your faith in Allah). Work as hard as you can at it. But never ever forget or neglect your duties towards God and towards your family. Family is your guiding light, your friends in thick and thin, and your everlasting source of unconditional love. Family doesn't just mean blood relatives, but also includes friends who stand by you always and who try to better you and your life. Those who add postivity to your life and allow you to add positivity to theirs are true friends.
Look up to good and pious people, people who care about God and people and the earth and their Hereafter. Do not look up to people who "have" things. Things are meaningless. They are fleeting. Your faith, behaviour and actions, and reputation can last many lifetimes over. This is another mistake I made. I thought that having things would make me happy. Having friends would make me happy. I cared more about quantity than quality. All that happened is that I put my hopes into certain people and they were disappointed. My friends are few, but they are my family when your tete and jiddo are not here. They are here for you too and love you as if you are their own.

I love you so much my darling.
حبيب قلبي انت. الله يخليك و يحميك و يهديك.

ماما