Two Years, One Month, Five Days

Dearest Jude,

A few changes have taken place this month. It is Ramadan!!! The advent calnedar is going again and alhamdellah you love it!

We had a friend who used to come every once in a while leave us (Cody). He started in day care. Tete is here for the summer. Yay! She came on the 17th of June. Khalo and I picked her up while you and baba were picking up Rachel. She spent the weekend of the 17th of June with us as it was Father's Day on that Sunday. Also, you started daycare at the Maritime Muslim Academy last week, while I started working in the same classroom. I believe that this is the biggest change of all for you.

We come in at 915 am and leave at 545 pm. Tete usually picks us up. We will have to have access to the car once she goes back to Kuwait at the end of her summer vacation inshallah.

You are quite upset at times. I am not sure if you don't understand why you have to be with a big group of children all of a sudden,  but this needed to happen. You are always with baba and I and are not getting social interactions with a lot of children your age. You need that to get prepared for school. Inshallah things will get easier for you. It is hard on me too as I hate seeing you upset. You need this though, so at the end of the day I hope that you benefit from it. I also hope that you get used to it soon, inshallah.

I am on my break now and you are still napping I believe so I will keep this short. No matter what happens know that baba and I always love you. Our relationship with you will not always be easy, but that is OK.  Every relationship you have in your life requires work and commitment,  so choose your companions wisely. Even more importantly, choose your wife wisely. Friends will affect how you view the world and will in turn affect your behaviours, thoughts and opinions. Your wife, will not only do that for you, but will also do that for your children as well. So please be mindful of the company you keep, in all its forms. Also, be mindful of what you read, see, watch and hear. If you intake good, good will come out inshallah. Keep good thoughts in your mind and always always always rely on Allah before you rely on anyone else. Pray your 5 daily prayers. Never leave those.

I love you.

Two Years and Two Days...

Dearest Jude,

You are Two years old, my darling! Mashallah. I am not sure how much you will remember from this time, but I need you to know how much joy you bring to everyone's life. You are a comic, a trickster and a performer. You want people to smile and laugh. You intentionally smile at everyone just so that you get them to smile back. That is an amazing quality, because it seems to me like you truly care for people. I hope this doesn't get you in trouble when you are older though, considering that not everyone should be pleased and catered to. Our energies need to be exerted on people who teach us something new everyday, who add value, peace and happiness to our lives, and who push us to be the greatest version of ourselves. Those people, if you are lucky to have them in your life, are true friends. I found that the best friends I ever had, were the ones whom I was able to have fun with, just by talking and sharing stories, no external factors required.

We had a Super Wings party for you, on Sunday, the 22nd. You have not been feeling well, perhaps due to your adventure with a toothbrush and a toilet bowl(?). Apparently, that is normal behaviour for a two-year old. The reason why this post is two days late, is because you, khalo and I were at the IWK Emergency department for a few hours today. You have been having some intestinal issues for the past few days, which turned into other issues and into you being very miserable. You had a fever and were inconsolable. So off we went, and found out that everything seems normal and that we have to wait and see if a fever returns and/or if symptoms persist. Another reason, is my online studies. I have been trying to cram as much learning and online presence into my daily existence, as possible. I apologize for not spending as much time with you as I would like.

On this note, I found out through speaking to a life coach, today, that we humans have six needs:
1- certainty: stability, comfort, safety, financial security...-(need of personality)
2- variety: surprises (good, or problematic)-(need of personality)
3- significance: to achieve something -(need of personality)
4- love and connection: we all settle for a connection because love is too scary-(need of personality)
5- growth: learning and expanding ourselves, taking on new challenges, expanding awareness, curiosity towards self-(need of spirit)
6- contribution

I need you to learn from my mistakes. I have realized that I attach significance to achievement and to education. My self-worth is attached to those so much, that if I am unemployed (like I am now), I feel like a failure. The fact that I am in school now answers to that need at the moment. This is not a healthy way to look at things. My self-worth and value are already inside me, I am here, alive and breathing. God has given me this gift. Therefore, I have value. I hope you learn that early on, so that you avoid any misery associated with bad self-worth. I am not saying this because I am your mother, but I am telling you the truth. You are an amazing human being, capable of infinite things. Don't ever let anyone, especially you, put you down. You are worthy because God said so and God gave you your life. You are loved, not just by us but by God. Strive to achieve things that not only make you happy and your life better, but make sure that those things do not bring hardship/misery/sadness to anyone else. Do not be selfish in your quest for happiness. If you can face God with your deeds, with a clear conscious, then you are making the right decision.

Practice gratitude every day. Besides your daily prayers, which are hard to maintain at times I know, sit and spend 5 to 10 minutes listing five things you feel gratitude for. If you think about those and the positives in you life, inshallah you will have positive surrounding you, since the brain wants to prove our beliefs for us. If you are thinking about positive things in your life, your brain has no reason to think about the negatives. Even when you face a calamity (inshallah never), a failure, or a problem, never forget that we face problems in our lives because God wants to give us opportunities to grow, to learn something new about ourselves, and to allow us to make decisions and to forge our own path. Always think, what would the Prophet (PBUH) do? What would all the prophets (PBUT) do?

These past few months, without the anti-depressants, and now without any supplements at all, I am finding out more and more, how much I am blessed to have you, and how much I have missed since you have been born. Depression is a state of mind. I am working on my prayers and I am working on my gratitude exercises. I am working on being present and on breaking the cycle of negative self-talk and negative thoughts. They hold me back, present no benefit, and add no value. Instead, they are habitual and make good excuses. I hope you never have to deal with that, and never feel the need to put pressure on yourself to be perfect. Perfection only exists in the form of God. We can never be perfect, and everything can not be perfect. There is no perfect way of doing things. So I hope that you never feel pressure in that department. Our imperfections make us individual and distinct. If all humans are the same, where are our learning opportunities? where are the challenges and successes?

I hope your Arabic is as good as your social skills... and I hope both continue to serve you well. Don't forget to pray all your prayers and surround yourself with positive role models and friends with similar values and goals. Drugs can be fun for a while, but they are never the answer to problems. They will mask them for a while, to leave you with a sense of loss and despair, and a problem that is still unresolved. The same applies to alcohol. Your brain and body are Amanah. You will have to give them back. And just like library books, they need to be in tip-top shape.


I know I am rambling. I also know I am missing you at the moment. So I am going to bed and lying next to you. I love you.
Mama

One Year, Eleven Months, One Day...

Dearest Jude,

Today, you are 23 months old. Next month inshallah, you will be two years old.
You are very good at catching words and phrases. I said "dang it" in front of you last night and you repeated it twice. So we really have to watch what we say and do around you. I am trying to speak to you in Arabic every day to get you used to it. I am hoping that you will speak both arabic and English.  A second language is very important in this day and age. It is especially important to ensure that the Arab and Syrian heritage is present and carried on.
Never let anyone make you feel ashamed of who you are or where you come from. You, just like every other person on this earth, are a beautiful human being. You are smart, generous, kind and peace loving. If you feel intensity around you,  you try to make us laugh. That tells me that you want everyone around you to be happy. I adore that about you.
We are all capable of good as well as evil, so don't ever doubt that. You need to watch yourself and what you are capable of, above watching what others are capable of. If you do evil, you will get it. If you do kindness and love,  you will get them. Even if you don't get them in this life, you will in the Hereafter. God is just. Do not let injustice in this life trick you into thinking or believing that the world is a bad place. It can be. But it can be a peaceful place, full of love. Surround yourself with good people and live a God-loving life, and even if you run into bad times or hard times, things will balance out at the end. Never ever lose hope in God. He will take care of you. He loves you a million times more than your mama and baba love you. And we love you a million times more than you can imagine. God loves you that much, and more.
I am sorry I have been zoned out. I am, insert clichéd term here I know, on a journey of self-betterment. I am trying to be healthy for you, baba, Khalo, tete, jiddo, grammie and sissies. I am still trying to find something that would allow me to feel fulfilled and to make a difference in this world, while earning a living and supporting our amazing family, all above individuals included. Please learn from my mistakes. If you find something you love doing and you think you can make a life out of it, pray istikhara and ask God for guidance, follow both your heart and mind, and then tawakkal (put your faith in Allah). Work as hard as you can at it. But never ever forget or neglect your duties towards God and towards your family. Family is your guiding light, your friends in thick and thin, and your everlasting source of unconditional love. Family doesn't just mean blood relatives, but also includes friends who stand by you always and who try to better you and your life. Those who add postivity to your life and allow you to add positivity to theirs are true friends.
Look up to good and pious people, people who care about God and people and the earth and their Hereafter. Do not look up to people who "have" things. Things are meaningless. They are fleeting. Your faith, behaviour and actions, and reputation can last many lifetimes over. This is another mistake I made. I thought that having things would make me happy. Having friends would make me happy. I cared more about quantity than quality. All that happened is that I put my hopes into certain people and they were disappointed. My friends are few, but they are my family when your tete and jiddo are not here. They are here for you too and love you as if you are their own.

I love you so much my darling.
حبيب قلبي انت. الله يخليك و يحميك و يهديك.

ماما

One Year, Ten Months, Four Days...

Dearest Jude,

Time sure flies by! We are consumed with every day life and sometimes forget to stop and appreciate each other, our surroundings and ourselves. It really is sad because once time passes, there is no getting it back. Things are still busy with Maisie. You are growing to be a strong, independent and defiant young man. It can be taxing, but I wouldn't not change it for anything. Alhamdellah for you, all of you. You are a gift and a blessing from God to us and to everyone around you. My heart swells when I think about you, as I am doing now, since I am working at the hospital. I pick up shifts to help your dad financially, and for you and baba to spend some quality time together.

I love you so much. Happy almost-two years!!

((Middle Eastern)) Mother's Day

Today, March 21st, is the Middle Eastern Mother's Day. So never forget to celebrate this day with your tete and I. No matter how long I live here and how Canadian I am, I will never forget where I come from and who I am. This also means that I hope you won't forget your roots and where you come from as a result. You are half Syrian, half Canadian, born and raised in Canada. But even more importantly, you are first and foremost Muslim. Never ever forget that in your thoughts, manners, behaviour and goals in life. It is a gift that many spend their whole lives searching for. You were blessed to be born Muslim. Don't let misconceptions or misunderstandings about our religion throw you off course. God is always with you, so let Him guide you. Use the Holy Book and the prophets peace be upon them all be your example. 

So, not to toot my own horn, but being nice and respectful, no matter how much you and i may disagree or not see eye to eye on, to both your father and I or any family member for that matter, is important. Not just on special days, but every day. Being respectful, will inshallah give you respect in return. Being a person of your word, to be trusted and respected, is something i will try to instill in you. It is my duty as your mother, and I am sure you will one day realize how hard of a job this is, to guide you as best as I can. 

Your dad may accuse me of being a hippy, and I actually derive pleasure from this accusation, but I truly believe that a peaceful approach to life situations brings more peace to your own heart and life. Having said that, never ever let anyone push you around. The Prophet peace be upon him never let anyone abuse him. Even when he was abused, he turned the other cheek so long as he was learning something from it. He was smart. He knew when to turn the other cheek and when to defend himself. If harm was to come to him and his companions, he prayed for guidance from God, and defended all. 

As your mother, if i don't get a chance to teach you any thing else, this would be what I wish to teach you: Never forget to be the best version of who you are and to strive to be the best God loving human you can be. You are loved by God. He wants what is best for you. This is why everything He asks of us, is not for His good, but for our own, for us to be the happiest and best versiobs of ourselves. He loves you an infinite number of times more than your own mother does, which is beyond comprehension. So do what He told you to do. Apply the five pillars in your life. Be helpful and kind. Always ask yourself: "What would the Prophet(s) peace be upon him(them) do?". Read the Quran and study it's history. Reading it by itself without learning the context will only lead to misunderstandings of the text and to misinformation. Spend time learning and teaching yourself about our beautiful religion. Put your trust in God and have faith in Him. He will not lead you astray and you will always be where you are meant to be. Everything happens for a reason. If something good happens, thank Him. If something bad happens, thank Him even more. We are learning from the moment we take our first breath until the moment we take our last. He has been and always will be there for you. Have faith and trust in Him. We are meant to take this journey and we are meant to work towards a good outcome in an eternity of heaven, God willing. 

I love you with all my heart my wonderful son.

Image from: happymothersdayquotesimages.org

One Year, Nine Months...

Dearest Jude,

Today you are One Year, Nine Months old! or, Twenty One Months old.

We have been enjoying having friends over every day of the week. Olivia, Maisie, and for the current two-week period, Sanaa. You have always been and are so smart, mashallah! Your language skills are developing at a rate beyond our expectations. We would be sitting and all of a sudden   you would say a word and we would have no clue how you learned it.

You are still teething, and to cope with that you have been sticking your fingers in your mouth. Also, the sookie is back in your mouth for most of the day, and not just during naptime and nighttime. Inshallah this will pass.

I am going off mirtazipine and slowly reducing the amount over the next couple of months. So if you have any negative memories of this time, I am truly sorry. I am trying to exercise everyday and get back into praying five times a day. We as Muslims are to pray five times a day, Fajr (morning), Duhr (noon), Asr (afternoon), Maghreb (sunset) and Isha (evening).

I love you my darling child. If I don't show it enough, I am sorry. I still find it hard to find reasons to deserve you. I hope it will never affect our relationship

Dearest Jude,

With the help of #influenster, we received some Pull-up diapers/pants. Hopefully soon inshallah, you will be using those!

We have a little green frog potty that you like sitting on. You are slowly catching on to the fact that it is to use when relieving yourself. I think you will be ready soon for big boy underwear, and we can say "Bye Bye" to diapers! #byebyediapers