One Year, Eleven Months, One Day...

Dearest Jude,

Today, you are 23 months old. Next month inshallah, you will be two years old.
You are very good at catching words and phrases. I said "dang it" in front of you last night and you repeated it twice. So we really have to watch what we say and do around you. I am trying to speak to you in Arabic every day to get you used to it. I am hoping that you will speak both arabic and English.  A second language is very important in this day and age. It is especially important to ensure that the Arab and Syrian heritage is present and carried on.
Never let anyone make you feel ashamed of who you are or where you come from. You, just like every other person on this earth, are a beautiful human being. You are smart, generous, kind and peace loving. If you feel intensity around you,  you try to make us laugh. That tells me that you want everyone around you to be happy. I adore that about you.
We are all capable of good as well as evil, so don't ever doubt that. You need to watch yourself and what you are capable of, above watching what others are capable of. If you do evil, you will get it. If you do kindness and love,  you will get them. Even if you don't get them in this life, you will in the Hereafter. God is just. Do not let injustice in this life trick you into thinking or believing that the world is a bad place. It can be. But it can be a peaceful place, full of love. Surround yourself with good people and live a God-loving life, and even if you run into bad times or hard times, things will balance out at the end. Never ever lose hope in God. He will take care of you. He loves you a million times more than your mama and baba love you. And we love you a million times more than you can imagine. God loves you that much, and more.
I am sorry I have been zoned out. I am, insert clichéd term here I know, on a journey of self-betterment. I am trying to be healthy for you, baba, Khalo, tete, jiddo, grammie and sissies. I am still trying to find something that would allow me to feel fulfilled and to make a difference in this world, while earning a living and supporting our amazing family, all above individuals included. Please learn from my mistakes. If you find something you love doing and you think you can make a life out of it, pray istikhara and ask God for guidance, follow both your heart and mind, and then tawakkal (put your faith in Allah). Work as hard as you can at it. But never ever forget or neglect your duties towards God and towards your family. Family is your guiding light, your friends in thick and thin, and your everlasting source of unconditional love. Family doesn't just mean blood relatives, but also includes friends who stand by you always and who try to better you and your life. Those who add postivity to your life and allow you to add positivity to theirs are true friends.
Look up to good and pious people, people who care about God and people and the earth and their Hereafter. Do not look up to people who "have" things. Things are meaningless. They are fleeting. Your faith, behaviour and actions, and reputation can last many lifetimes over. This is another mistake I made. I thought that having things would make me happy. Having friends would make me happy. I cared more about quantity than quality. All that happened is that I put my hopes into certain people and they were disappointed. My friends are few, but they are my family when your tete and jiddo are not here. They are here for you too and love you as if you are their own.

I love you so much my darling.
حبيب قلبي انت. الله يخليك و يحميك و يهديك.

ماما

One Year, Ten Months, Four Days...

Dearest Jude,

Time sure flies by! We are consumed with every day life and sometimes forget to stop and appreciate each other, our surroundings and ourselves. It really is sad because once time passes, there is no getting it back. Things are still busy with Maisie. You are growing to be a strong, independent and defiant young man. It can be taxing, but I wouldn't not change it for anything. Alhamdellah for you, all of you. You are a gift and a blessing from God to us and to everyone around you. My heart swells when I think about you, as I am doing now, since I am working at the hospital. I pick up shifts to help your dad financially, and for you and baba to spend some quality time together.

I love you so much. Happy almost-two years!!

((Middle Eastern)) Mother's Day

Today, March 21st, is the Middle Eastern Mother's Day. So never forget to celebrate this day with your tete and I. No matter how long I live here and how Canadian I am, I will never forget where I come from and who I am. This also means that I hope you won't forget your roots and where you come from as a result. You are half Syrian, half Canadian, born and raised in Canada. But even more importantly, you are first and foremost Muslim. Never ever forget that in your thoughts, manners, behaviour and goals in life. It is a gift that many spend their whole lives searching for. You were blessed to be born Muslim. Don't let misconceptions or misunderstandings about our religion throw you off course. God is always with you, so let Him guide you. Use the Holy Book and the prophets peace be upon them all be your example. 

So, not to toot my own horn, but being nice and respectful, no matter how much you and i may disagree or not see eye to eye on, to both your father and I or any family member for that matter, is important. Not just on special days, but every day. Being respectful, will inshallah give you respect in return. Being a person of your word, to be trusted and respected, is something i will try to instill in you. It is my duty as your mother, and I am sure you will one day realize how hard of a job this is, to guide you as best as I can. 

Your dad may accuse me of being a hippy, and I actually derive pleasure from this accusation, but I truly believe that a peaceful approach to life situations brings more peace to your own heart and life. Having said that, never ever let anyone push you around. The Prophet peace be upon him never let anyone abuse him. Even when he was abused, he turned the other cheek so long as he was learning something from it. He was smart. He knew when to turn the other cheek and when to defend himself. If harm was to come to him and his companions, he prayed for guidance from God, and defended all. 

As your mother, if i don't get a chance to teach you any thing else, this would be what I wish to teach you: Never forget to be the best version of who you are and to strive to be the best God loving human you can be. You are loved by God. He wants what is best for you. This is why everything He asks of us, is not for His good, but for our own, for us to be the happiest and best versiobs of ourselves. He loves you an infinite number of times more than your own mother does, which is beyond comprehension. So do what He told you to do. Apply the five pillars in your life. Be helpful and kind. Always ask yourself: "What would the Prophet(s) peace be upon him(them) do?". Read the Quran and study it's history. Reading it by itself without learning the context will only lead to misunderstandings of the text and to misinformation. Spend time learning and teaching yourself about our beautiful religion. Put your trust in God and have faith in Him. He will not lead you astray and you will always be where you are meant to be. Everything happens for a reason. If something good happens, thank Him. If something bad happens, thank Him even more. We are learning from the moment we take our first breath until the moment we take our last. He has been and always will be there for you. Have faith and trust in Him. We are meant to take this journey and we are meant to work towards a good outcome in an eternity of heaven, God willing. 

I love you with all my heart my wonderful son.

Image from: happymothersdayquotesimages.org

One Year, Nine Months...

Dearest Jude,

Today you are One Year, Nine Months old! or, Twenty One Months old.

We have been enjoying having friends over every day of the week. Olivia, Maisie, and for the current two-week period, Sanaa. You have always been and are so smart, mashallah! Your language skills are developing at a rate beyond our expectations. We would be sitting and all of a sudden   you would say a word and we would have no clue how you learned it.

You are still teething, and to cope with that you have been sticking your fingers in your mouth. Also, the sookie is back in your mouth for most of the day, and not just during naptime and nighttime. Inshallah this will pass.

I am going off mirtazipine and slowly reducing the amount over the next couple of months. So if you have any negative memories of this time, I am truly sorry. I am trying to exercise everyday and get back into praying five times a day. We as Muslims are to pray five times a day, Fajr (morning), Duhr (noon), Asr (afternoon), Maghreb (sunset) and Isha (evening).

I love you my darling child. If I don't show it enough, I am sorry. I still find it hard to find reasons to deserve you. I hope it will never affect our relationship

Dearest Jude,

With the help of #influenster, we received some Pull-up diapers/pants. Hopefully soon inshallah, you will be using those!

We have a little green frog potty that you like sitting on. You are slowly catching on to the fact that it is to use when relieving yourself. I think you will be ready soon for big boy underwear, and we can say "Bye Bye" to diapers! #byebyediapers

One Year, Eight Months...

حبيبي جود،
اليوم عمرك عشرين شهر، أو سنة و ثمانية أشهر ما شاء الله. فكرت أن أكتب لك باللغة العربية من الآن لكي أستطيع أن أتذكر الكتابة باللغة العربية الفصحى و لكي أعلمك اللغة العربية بنفسي انشاء الله.

اليوم (السبت) جاءت جدتك نانسي إلى البيت و ستنام عندنا ليوم الاثنين. 

هي تحبك حب لا يوجد مثله. انت حبيب قلبها مثل ما انت حبيب قلب تيتي و جدو. نانسي و عمتك يجب أن يبيعوا بيتهم. و جدتك تحاول أن تقرر في أي منطقة ممكن أن تسكن. هي و عمتك عاشوا مع بعضهم من حوالي خمسة عشر سنة تقريبا. نحن نحاول أن نقنعها بالسكن في هاليفاكس لتكون قريبة منك و منا.

خبر آخر من هذا الشهر هز اللاجئون السوريون. أخذتك انت و ميسي مرة(الاسبوع الماضي) إلى المكتبة و تقابلنا مع مجموعة من اللاجئين السوريين و هم لهم ثلاثة أيام فقط. كان معهم شخص متطوع مع ISANS ليساعدهم باستكشاف هاليفاكس. الله يعينهم و يساعدهم. كانت سنيني الأولى في كندا صعبة جدا و الاكتئاب لازمني من هذاك الوقت. أتمنى أن لا تحس بهذا الإحساس ابدا. إذا تستطيع أن تضع نفسك في مكان شخص آخر لتفهم ردة فعلهم أو شعورهم تجاه موقف معين، ضع نفسك. هذه هي طريقة من الطرق التي ستذكرك بأهمية الرحمة و التسامح و التوكل على الله بكل شيء.

حبيبي جود، انا آسفة جدا على قسوتي معك. انا لا أحب هذه الطريقة بالتعامل معك. أن أحبك من كل قلبي فأرجو أن تسامحني. أحبك حبيب قلبي و روحي.

ماما .

Tete and Jiddo's visit

Dearest Jude,

You and I try to speak to tete and jiddo on the app Line, every day, and try to video chat with them so that you can see them and they can see you. My mama and baba came for a visit on Dec. 24th and just left today. You fell asleep on the way to the airport, so they gave you a kiss before they went into the airport. They were devastated to not be with you in the flesh any more. They even called from the airport with the change they had left to speak to you on the phone. They love you so much. You are the light of their eyes.

We were supposed to meet your baba so that you can go on the truck with him, in your carseat, on our way to the airport, but we had to stop at Costco and it was insanely busy so we missed out on the opportunity to ride in a caravan towards the airport with your tete and jiddo's car and baba's 5-ton truck.

I am very sad to see them leave, as they are my parents and I miss them terribly even though their flight hasn't taken off yet. I love them so much, they took care of me and khalo, continue to take care of us amd are taking care of you as well. They are the hardest working and most honest people u have ever met. Their wisdom is like gold, and is rare and precious.

I think you miss them too because once we came into the house you were walking around looking for them. You even looked in the guest living room where they normally pray to see if they are praying in there. I hope they come back very soon. Even more I hope they come back to stay soon.

I love you my darling boy. We have each other and that will get us both through it for a while. I love you.